Me

what does it mean
when they care more
about it
than me?

what does it mean
when they can’t see
how making it as easy as they can
and everything else as hard?

I’m tired of not knowing how to explain
to them, to others.
how can I explain that something
something that seems to mean so much to them
means nothing
nothing to me
and that the little things
the things I ask for
the few moments I crave
are everything
all my hopes
all my dreams
all I want?

I’m not a leader
I’m not a great student
I’m not a vehicle for hopes and dreams
I’m not what others think I am
I’m just a kid
just a kid who tries to write
tries to hammer, tries to play
tries desperately to find a little beauty
one spark of something beautiful
one little rosebud
from the snarl of thorns
that is
me

I love the rain
and I don’t cry enough
I’m lost when I’m honest
when I’m alone
when I don’t hide
from myself
I love the sound of a hammer striking true
one pure ring
I love that smile
that only comes once or twice a lifetime
and I’m looking for someone who can make me cry
for no reason at all
just laugh and cry
and think that this world is ridiculous
just like her
and that I love them both

I wear shackles and shave my head
I wish I could tell you how it feels to have a shaved head
how it somehow feels pure and clean
even as the next guy cracks swastika jokes
I wish I could tell you how the shackles feel
how the weight of the steel is a touchstone
a comfort and a reminder
and how when I’m down they couldn’t be heavy enough
I want to pile weights on until they match
how I feel
and how when I’m happy
they’re lighter than windblown dust
how in my mind they incandesce
transcend to pure light
I wish I could tell you how sometimes I just feel like wearing black
one color
a sad color
a color to disappear in
that makes you stand out darker than the shadows
but a color with every color
inside
how my shoes are worn through
but the best things in life have holes
the best things in life are worn to the ground
how I want to keep something old
and how they’re the closest thing
to walking barefoot

I wish I could rip away all the layers in my head
find out what’s inside
wish my thoughts would stop playing pachinko
wish I knew

I wish……..
I dream
but I just don’t
know